hey guys,
yesterday again, my feelings were aroused and i expressed how i felt always to fel fel. Ya i know that time, i told her before. But somehow, she wasnt clear how i felt to her. Perhaps, the approach i adopted wasnt clear-cut enough bah. Whatever it is, i spoke to her about ya and once and for all she understood how i felt la. Then a unexpected news burst abruptly after i explained.
Fel fel actually told me she has broke up with her bf. At that point of time, i also dont whether i should be delightened or not. Because it wasnt a good news to hear she broke up, it only means she again would be heart-broken and i dont want to see that occurring. However, on the other hand, this would also means i might have some chance, since she expressed that i dont really not worth her to love anyway.
May it be jubilant or dejected for fel fel, i think the most important thing to do is to help her to pass through this period of time now. It must be tough, fatiguing, and long for her to get through this because she brought up alot of courage then she decided to have this relationship. But right now, things did not follow what she hoped for. And they broke up after a few months later.
hai what to do??
Seriously, i puzzled whether this time round did i confess at the right time?
lolx. aiya, no point thinking...take things naturally.
ending here.
nitenite.

16th February 2006
9.50pm

recalling the conservation with chia on the train, i realised i need to think thoroughly what i want to do after i receive my result.
What if i do really fall down at this crucial point of time? or what if i do really get the result i want? Do i seriously know what the path i want to go towards?
Earnestly, i do not know.
I solely know i have some interests in some particular jobs or hobbies. For instance, i like to singing, working in the tourism sector or maybe service industry, then maybe bakery or cookery, and setting up a business etc...
I do have some plans in my mind...
If i do not pass,
1.Go into private U.(work half study half)
2. Work first, then set up business.

If i do pass,
1. Obviously, think of the course i want to go.
2. In army, go to pursue my interests: singing, keyboard and guitar.
3. or get into some courses: public speaking etc

hai.
nvm
everything will be determined until i received my result.
i will end here.
goodbye.

12th February 2006
9.37pm

okay okay la...ting... now i will update alright? lolx..=P
Actually hor, i want to update it le..cos i have somethings to say say lor...
ya...so today what am i gonna say lehx?
oH ya! i feel im a bastard now as i just remembered what i have done a week ago. I actually confessed my feelings to fel fel le...
i bet everyone will be angry with me and must be pin-pointing me and say, " hor hor, haoyiiii...why you're so bad one... confess yr feeling when she already attached."
And for bin bin lehx...she would now saying, " you always never listen to me de hor...i told you not to say yet you now...."
I know everyone will not agree with my decision, right? Because i shouldnt do that...it only makes things worse hor?
Let me say something guys....to defend myself...
I will state my reasons.
Why i would choose to speak out and be frank with her is because i think in this way it is much fairer for both of us.
At least, she knows it and i can give an answer to myself. I dont expect anything in return or what. Please do not be mistaken of my motive. Im purely hoping that she will be frank to me in future like i do. And also, at the same time, let her know how i feel all the long with her.
What i believe about close and true friends is that we must be frank to one another. Hidding feelings, to me, is being not sincere to the other party. Once a party holds back some feelings, there will definitely a small barrier or obstacle between them. So if i do not be honest with her, how can i be a close and good friend to her? What many people in today world are lacking of is being that genuine and that straightforward (provided it has considered the feelings of the other party before being honest)
Dont you all agree with me? Nowadays, people would only know how to backstab others and protect themselves without contemplating how others feel.
That is why people cant trust one another and then, to them...
there is no such "good and close" friend.
Isnt that miserable?
So thats the reason why i want to tell her. Telling her would mean i really treat her as a good and close friend. And it also means im not scared of it affecting our friendship because i believe our friendship is strong enough to talk such things so frankly.
Correct?
Now, I actually glad that she found her own right guy. Earnestly, i would like to see her happy.
If i really want to blame, i only can blame the time. This is because whenever i have the feelings, the time is not always right. So what to do? Undoubtedly, i only can blame the "time" what...right?
Ya another thing...
Guys...you know what....after that, i unexpectedly become so moody and i can feel a immense feeling : the lonliness.
hai.
Its so empty out there in my heart.
It feels like someone stole something out of my heart and....nothing else left. And the stolen "part" somehow has also flown to somewhere i dunno. And i seem like trying hard to search and retrieve that "part" back. But all my efforts are fruitless. I still feel the same way. Because of that im constantly keeping myself occupied. However, it resulted in the same ending.
hai.
Now i really wonder...
do i have true and close friend who i can rely on? Or in the first, there isnt any?
Everything is just illusion?
That is for me to think for the next few weeks.
i think end here..
bye...