hm. today went out with fel fel again. same again...crap alot talk alot play alot fun too.
quite happy with her. im getting to understand her more after outing with her.
She was so picker-minded. she cant really decide what to buy for her bf. cos its abit complicated ma...she wanna maake a present out from her hands. Lidat it will be more meaningful.
We walked from 1.30pm until 8.30pm. Non-stop lor! Now my poor legs are so tired and aching. All thank to her.
lolx kidding. I also went with her to This Fashion. The clothings there isnt tat ugly and out of fashion. Actually, i found some nice clothings there. haha. Sound as if im the one shopping for gurl clothes hor.. no la... learning to look clothings for ger ma... (useful in future..heeeee)
Ya...walk round and round at bugis....then at last we reached mac somewhere la..dunno where also...i only knw it is a place where most of art crafts are sold...haha
then at there...
we talked la... as she thought thru to buy wwat for her bf....
and then hor...
i remembered at one moment, she told me " when u found the gurl u wan u will knw wat it means de la..."
I hor...almost wanna sae..."I FOUND HER le..."
luckily i didnt sae anything.....
After tat we again continued walk wwalk walk walk...
then..lolx...
she said " im so xin fu"
And wat she meant is she is so xin fu tat so many pple around so care and concern about her like me and her bf....
When i heard tat...i felt abit of happy la..
at least wat i done...makes her feel happy feel...xin fu lor...
not wasted.....
even if she has a bf, i could at least make her feel xin fu..and i done tat le!!!!
So joyful about it.
hee.
ya then at the end of the day.. we separated once again...
and she went to meet her bf.
while i go home lonely......
so sad..sobx sobx...
haha...no la kidding...
happy to be with her le... at least i can be tat close with her as friend...
nothing to be sad about actually....cos she is HAPPY.
=)
i tink end here again.
sleeping soon.
nite.

21st Jan 2006
10.50pm

woohoo~! bin bin blog blog...then affect me....
see la..now im blogging le..
hai. thinking about bin bin's advise now, she told me not to see fel fel anymore. because i do continue to meet fel fel, i will be gonna fell even deeper... true true la...
but then, other than fel fel, who can i seek to when i want to go out ??then..who else can i talk with to confide? perhaps fel fel is really a close friend of mine. erm...can sae...haiya!
wat am i talking....
u knw wat everyone...actually...
i dun confide alot to fel fel de... but i always treat her a very good good good friend..... dunno why...
maybe because im feel very attached to her bahz...can sae...happy when with her....
however hor.... i tink why i dun wan to follow wat bin bin advised me....maybe...the reason is...
i dun wan to lose this happy happy feeling bahz...whenever im with her....
from a normal friend.....until now...
actually... we confide once awhile......not alot of times...most of the times..i confide to my net friends...
and this makes me tink through about why i consider her as a very very good friend...
haha...must be im under her spell long time ago..
just tat i nv realise...wahaha...
nvm....
tml i will be going out with her le...
i tink i just treasure the times with her...and stay happy bahz..and enjoy the days with her...
if we are fated to be together, i believe one day i will be with her de....
like the way..how the feelings i felt towards her...always return back....
k la..i tink end her le....

end of today session..wahha...


20 Jan 06
9.06pm

Tell u la..binbin...i dun really post things i angried about once into my blog de la.. see...i almost forget about it le...maybe im a guy who dun remember bad happenings...
Oh..for those who dunno..the bin bin is another good friend of mine her name..hmm..hee shubin..a pretty lady...i know her thru internet...but we manage to stay as friend for 3years? lolx..
somewhere there la...
Yesterday lor...
she angried with me...
sae i dun care about her....then nv mention her in blog...then... making use of her...
everyone... sae something! Am i such a person? No right?
I treat everyone sincerely de hor...
nevertheless, everything has ended la..at last...we decided not to rake about it anymore..and stay as good friend...cos we know it isnt worth to spolit a friendship of such stuffs....
But yesterday..it is my worse day...got fel fel things on my mind...quite headache le...then suddenly bin bin de also popped out...making everything more worse....
haiz..
but at least...everything cleared....i again can stay happy...
stay happy always! haoyi!

16th January 2006
10.08pm

Really, i have alot of stuffs that i will like to ask fel fel...
However, i decided not to ask them. Even though it might give an answer to myself and make myself feel better, i also dont want to cause any problems to her.
Plus, i dont really dare to speak or ask her these questions as it only makes us feel awkward and affects our relationship.
So i decide to post these questions here so that i can feel abit relieved at least. She would not see these questions because she dont know i do blog.
For days, i have really thought it through and talked to many of my friends.
And for once, the first time i said the truth that i feel towards fel fel. It happened during the midnight after i went out with fel fel for kbox and ended up making fel fel and her bf to quarrel.
I talked to ting on that night.
Happened that she was the only one in the msn messenger that i felt comfortable to talk with, so i approached her and we chatted.
One way or another, while we were chatting, im somehow "forced" or naturally or sub-consciously spoke the truth which i always been searching for. The truth which i want to know about, the one which has been holding me all the while, making me hesitated...
I said, " Im willing to spend my whole life with her and i think she is my right girl."
Just this simple sentence enlightens me. I always have been so confused about how i truly feel towards fel fel. I can say with her around, i feel happy and comfortable. And without her around, i can say for these days, it is the dullest part of my life. i felt loneliness and bored. Whenever there is outing with her, i will be always looking forwards to the day. Basically, i cant wait for the day i can go out with her.
Despite the fact that i always treat her best friend and remain neutral (meaning try not to develop any feelings for her), i can somehow feel something while we are going out together. It is like somehow this kind of "attaching" feeling that sticks or links us together. A bond which cannot be broken...
I can sense that feeling whenever i went out with her. I dont know whether she felt that too but thats what i really feel...
Sometimes, i do really want to ask her, " Do you feel something (a feeling) when you are with me?"
Though i know she merely is treating me as a buddy or a good friend, i still unsure about it. This is because the feeling is so strong. I sometimes might ask myself, " Is this what they called love?"
I really dont know. I will not ask anything more from fel fel because we are already very good friend and she has a bf. But then, I really want to give myself an answer. I really want to ask fel fel do she feel the same way as I do.
At least, this will make me understand the true thoughts/feelings between both of us.
However, i cant really ask this. If not, it will really affect our relationship and her relationship with her bf.
So then, i think i only can keep this in heart and perhaps let myself suffers rather than she suffers. She has suffered once in a relationship which does not really worth her loving, I do not wish to see her suffers again. And then now she has a wonderful relationship infront of her, i really wish to see her live in happiness.
I might suffer alot because i myself could not get the answer to myself (about all those feelings i felt towards her) but...
at least she will BE HAPPY.
that's all.
At last, i said the things which i want to say. feel so relieved.
thank to my blog or else i might be now suffering.

16th January 2006
9.54pm

Maybe what fel fel really wants is not a boyfriend but people to care about her and be happy. She is just trying to find the happiness that she used to have and the care and concern that old friends and ivan gave bahz..
When she tell me about how happy she was with the old friends and jessie told me she likes this boyfriend becos she cares about her then...
i realise and sense...
she isnt happy actually.
Do not know whether if im too sensitive or what, i afraid that she gets this boyfriend because she feels insecure.
Being her good friend, im remorseful that i didnt even notice about it.
However, this is my pure guessing. all these are what i really feel after i went out with her for the whole day.
I do not confirm if she is doing all these ( getting a bf) for the sake of finding the happiness that she used to have....
But i know she is one who might avoid or keep problems in heart even she senses them.
She is someone who looks strong in the outer appearance yet needs someone shoulders to rely on. Whatever it is, i truely hope one day she will face her problems bravely like she always do infront of us and try to solve her problem regarding ivan.
I know...
she still like ivan...cant forget about him.... but tats her....never will she really tell her true thinkings...
hais...

15th Jan 06
1231 am

Its another long day. I worked from morning until evening. Everything seems so new to me. But luckily, i manage the stress and the things which require for my job -- R & D clerk. Perhaps, viewing from a more positive way, it benefits me. At least, i wouldnt be slack around for the two years but knowing things which books cant really teach me and i wouldnt be able to learn about.
i believe many things,which i learn here might be useful to me in future. Knowing how to manage relationships with peers and superiors perhaps will serve me as a useful tool in surviving in the office. Do not see a simple decorated office as a peaceful place rather inside the office, there are things which many people might not know about. However, i do not wish to further elaborate. That only makes me more stressful.

YA! Today, when i reached home and logged in to my msn, i saw something which makes me so happy: g___x___86@hotmail.com has added to your list. Wah! So jubilent at that point of time. It has been quite a long time that this old friend of mine contacted me. So wonderful, she has a msn. And now, i would be able to chat with her online.
Talking about this friend of mine, she was my schoolmate during secondary school. She was or is? hhaha nevermind, She is a cool girl who seldom talks ? Now i dont think she is already la.
But then, at that point of time, I liked her. Please do not ask me the reason, seriously, i do not know why i like her. Maybe because she is pretty? (i must be frank) or ??
however hor, i still believe that is just one of the reason. I hardly can find words to describe why i would like her because from what i know, i would like to see her happy. When she is happy, she looks great. Its somehow showing another side of her...much happier and much...hmm...
TRUE her... i dunno la..but all the long, i tried to understand her despite the fact that she do not share her troubles and thoughts to other.
But hor, it is because of her...
i realise...
to understand a person, not only we can listen to their troubles and thoughts, but we also can see from the actions and facial expression etc... each of this leads to the full understanding of the person... i knw this might sound rediculous but thats what i believe in...
And also, not only tat...
she makes me realise something...
bringing out a person's TRUE him/her is actually a blessing...a happiness...something which i can be quite happy about...
i do not knw whether did i bring her true her out from her or is it other pple....but regardless which one is the answer....
im very happy to see the true her.... she looks...so happy and cheerful...unlike the past...
she always brings out a moody and cool face which makes pple scare about her.
Possible reason why she is so moody and cool perhaps because she is a strong and independent.
I dunno whether she is or not...but thats wat i feel after being friend with her for...3 years...
if include now...it should be 6 years already....
i dunno why she is why tat strong and independent however....
maybe i tink family has brought her up into this type of ger...
a ger who is strong and independent and very......
hmm..
how to sae....aiya dunno la...maybe considerate?lolx.
whatever it is... maybe tats the reason why i like her... independent ....strong... and looks sweet when she smiles...
Aiya for now...im happy to be her friend...and really hope she will treat me as a very good friend...and i would try my best to understand her further.....
if i have the chance, i would like to say to her :
YOU ARE MY ONLY SPECIAL FRIEND!

13th Jan 2006
9.45pm

yeah.im back after a long break. Its another new year! and im currently in army, sembawang camp working as a r & d clerk. i bet you all must be wondering wat is r & d bahz? lolx.. i also dunno wats tat at first...but slowly i get to knw i will be the one doing the admin for those punishments in the camp... kinda cool~ i can get to knw some confidential stuffs... and i might be working with those "big" guys..like my CO...
Seriously, i dun like my working place...everyone backstabs each other de... not frank and straightfoward which i always believe pple should be...
Actual fact...it isnt tat bad la...just need to tolerate these stuffs for like...less than 1 year? and these "old" staffs will be ORD liao... then new comers will replace them..hopefully, they will be nice? *wishful thoughts* there cant be peaceful times in office rite? tats wat my friends all said to me... i just need to adapt to it...and learn how to manage those "office-political" stuffs...
dun sae about it le..
ya...talk about fel fel...
Just went out with fel fel on saturday, together with some of my old friends....
At first, we planned to go to sentosa to play for one day and maybe stay overnite at tat..but hor.. RAIN...!! argh..
actually, it spolit the mood of ours...
then after tat...everyone were so sian tat some decided to back off..and went home straight...
ya im one of them...
But later one of my friend, jessie (married already and now have a baby) wanted to go to carrefour..
Going around with tat baby is not as simple as wat i tink sia!!!
Unbelievable....at the end of the day...
im so drained out and defeated by this small little devilish 18 months old baby! A short path from suntex to city hall interchange seemed so far and long...every step every move...takes as if ages... i cant wait to separate from them..haha kidding...but tats wat i feel...
maybe it is a test for myself...patience..haha
or perhaps..training for being a father...
lolx..but its a good experience to take care of this baby...
this sat..again i will out with them...this jessie ...fel fel...and maybe some other pple..
Wish me good luck...and hopefully i can go thru this hardship haha
k la..blog next time ...byebye